


i want 'em back (the minds we had)

by bigsoftboy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Canon Trans Character, Canon-Typical Violence, Complicated Relationships, Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Missing Scene, Mutual Pining, No Smut, Polyamory Negotiations, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Worth Issues, Spoilers for Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Taako-centric, Temporary Character Death, Trans Magnus Burnsides, Trans Male Character, Trans Taako (The Adventure Zone), Trust Issues, technically
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-19 14:28:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22212433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bigsoftboy/pseuds/bigsoftboy
Summary: Magnus and Taako have a complicated relationship. Thankfully, they have a lot of time to figure things out.
Relationships: Julia Burnsides/Magnus Burnsides, Kravitz/Taako (The Adventure Zone), Lup & Taako (The Adventure Zone), Magnus Burnsides/Kravitz/Taako, Magnus Burnsides/Taako, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 76





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> Please note: I'm aware of how Travis feels about people shipping Magnus with other characters, which I respect and therefore will not shove it in his face. I will, however, still post this here for yall to enjoy if you so please. If you don't like the ship, just don't read this.
> 
> Anyways this is how I spent my winter break from college so enjoy!!

The first cycle is rough, but Taako takes comfort in being at his sister’s side. He can deal with losing their homeworld as long as he still has Lup. She was the only thing he had in his 86 years on that planet so he couldn’t give less of a fuck where he is as long as she’s with him. He’s still adjusting to life on the Starblaster, though, and learning more and more about the rest of the crew.

Davenport throws himself head-first into the mission, even though the mission has been blown so far off course it seems hopeless that it will ever be realigned. Lucretia buries herself in her work, always writing no matter the time or place. She isn’t reclusive, but she still keeps to herself. She’s a wallflower, and the occasional astute comments she makes in conversation serve as startling reminders that she is present and attentive. Merle seems to handle things in a very brazen, flippant way. He seems surprisingly unbothered by this turn of events, electing to spend a good amount of time in his room tending to a growing collection of plants (including specimens from both their homeworld and the Animal Kingdom). He does talk to the others, though, even if it’s just to offer up the buds of one of his many hallucinogenic plants. Taako’s gotten to know Barry the best out of any of them due to him tagging along with him and Lup. As he suspected, the guy is a massive nerd, but he’s also a total weirdo who meshes with Taako and Lup’s personalities well. Taako finds himself getting along with him much better than he had expected. Lup seems to like him too so that generously boosts Barry’s standing in his books. And then there’s Magnus. 

Magnus is cocky and brash and  _ very  _ enthusiastic. In the passing moments they share on the Starblaster, he regales the rest of the crew with stories of his training with the Royal Bear and tales from his life on their homeworld. He always tries to draw everyone out from their quarters to talk and even managing to rope Lucretia into his antics on occasion. He has an air of confidence and warmth that Taako can’t help but feel drawn to. That and it’s funny watching him pull stupid, reckless stunts to try to impress everyone. (He realizes after a little while that it’s mostly for him and Lup (and occasionally Barry when he’s around).)

As the months pass Taako notices the human sidling in on his conversations more and more often, and he humors him by pretending he hasn’t taken notice. He enjoys Magnus’s company and finds it endearing that he wants to spend time with him. He learns that Magnus is a very affectionate person, doling out compliments with a determined regularity and not shying away from physical contact. More often than not when they’re hanging about in the lounge, Taako will find himself with his legs splayed out over Magnus’s lap and leaning against his arm. They become familiar with each other fast, and Taako tries not to think about how he can’t remember the last time he’s let himself get this close to another person. 

* * *

When they shift back into their positions at the start of the second cycle, the magnitude of their situation really starts to hit them. They’re trapped in a loop with no foreseeable end and if they lose the Starblaster, they’re fucked. They resolve to track down the Light of Creation, which again falls not long after they arrive on that cycle’s world. They recover it within a week this time, and as this world is uninhabited, most of their time is spent on the Starblaster. 

Taako continues to gravitate towards Magnus, spending nearly as much time with him now as he does with Lup, and with the realization that  _ this is really happening _ , they’ve started to find other ways to cope. That’s how they find themselves unbelievably stoned one night, having given in to one of Merle’s offers because  _ fuck it _ , what’s the worst that could happen. It’s just the two of them, sprawled out on Magnus’s bed, Taako taking idle hits from a nearly finished joint. Magnus is twirling a strand of Taako’s bleached-out hair around his finger, seemingly transfixed by the smooth sensation, and Taako just stares up at him. He studies his face in the dim light; there’s a soft smattering of freckles across his cheeks, his strong facial structure framed by his sideburns which he hasn’t trimmed in a week or so, and his auburn hair is messy, but not unflatteringly so. Taako realizes he’s holding his breath and exhales shakily, drawing Magnus’s focus away from his hair.

“Somethin’ wrong?” he asks, not moving away. Taako is suddenly very aware of how close their faces are.

“No, it’s just…” he trails off, distracted again by the other man’s beauty. “You’re gorgeous.”

He doesn’t think before saying it, and then it’s hanging in the silence. Before Taako can fully process the significance of what he’s just said, their lips are pressed together, and it’s gentle, far gentler than he’s used to, but it feels so, so good and all he can do is sink into it. He clumsily grasps at Magnus’s shirt, pulling him closer to him because he needs  _ more _ . He feels Magnus’s hands on his hips as they readjust to a more comfortable position, and Taako straddles his lap. The kissing starts to get more heated and everything feels so fucking good that Taako is almost overwhelmed. He whimpers into Magnus’s mouth and grinds down against him, causing the other man to groan and grip his hips tighter. Magnus pulls back from the kiss panting and Taako opens his eyes, confused.

“Before we do anything else, I just need you to know… I’m like… I know you know I’m trans but it’s just like… I haven’t had anything changed down there yet so like… just a warning,” he says, struggling to string together a coherent thought, and Taako instantly relaxes.

“No problem compadre, I’m in the same boat,” he replies breathily. “Now can we please get a move on, I get  _ real  _ horny when I’m high.”

Magnus chuckles, tension visibly leaving his body.

“Absolutely.”

* * *

They fall into a pattern: in the off moments where things start to get a bit too much to bear or they’re just bored, they’ll slip away into Magnus’s room and fuck. It’s not something they really talk about, instead just setting boundaries as they go. They do whatever feels natural for both of them. The closest they get to talking about it happens one night a few months in while they’re both laying in the afterglow of one of the best orgasms Taako has ever experienced.

“Magnus?” Taako asks in the darkness. The other man hums in acknowledgment. “When we first fucked, you said you haven’t had anything done to your junk  _ yet _ , does that mean that’s something you want to have done?”

Magnus is quiet for a moment, then Taako hears him sit up.

“I mean, yeah,” he replies, crossing his legs. “My dysphoria about was never really that bad it so I never really prioritized it, but it was always something I meant to do at some point. Then we started the mission and I guess I kinda just haven’t thought much about it since.”

Taako hums, sitting up. Magnus can’t see him in the dark but with Taako’s darkvision he can see the other man’s sense form clear as day.

“Y’know I know True Polymorph, right? Used it on my chest and I helped Lup with her transition, too, so I’ve got experience,” he points out, and Magnus’s expression morphs into one of simultaneous realization, hope, and hesitation.

“But with the cycles… my body would reset each year—” 

Taako scoffs, cutting him off.

“It takes an hour Mags, I’m one-hundo percent down to cast that once a year if it’ll mean you’re more comfortable,” he says, flopping back down. “Plus it means you can experiment with different dick sizes.”

He tacks on the last comment in an attempt to add some levity to the conversation, but Magnus doesn’t seem to hear it. Instead, he lays back down and reaches for Taako through the darkness, and, upon finding him, pulls him close to his chest. There’s silence for a minute until Taako feels his chest shudder and a wet chuckle reaches his ear.

“You okay, my man?” Taako asks nervously. This all feels so intimate and he definitely does not feel equipped to handle an intimate conversation.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry,” Magnus chuckles, sniffling. “It’s just… thank you.”

“No problem.”

* * *

The next morning, they sit down together in Magnus’s room together and Taako walks him through the pretty simple process.

“From what Lup has told me, shit feels pretty weird for the first few days. Not like in a magic way, just because you have to adjust to your junk being a totally different shape. It’s gonna change as soon as I start channeling the spell but it won’t be permanent until an hour passes, got it?” he asks, and Magnus nods, hands and legs visibly trembling with anticipation. “And remember that I’ve gotta concentrate on casting for the whole hour, so just like, lay back, relax, and try not to do anything distracting.”

Magnus obediently lays back and waits. Taako lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes, and then begins. He hears Magnus suck in a breath and smiles softly.

An hour later Magnus is walking around the Starblaster awkwardly with a huge grin on his face and dried tear tracks on his face. 

* * *

A few weeks later, Lup pulls him into her room and shuts the door decidedly behind them. She turns to him, arms crossed and an eyebrow raised. Immediately he feels incredibly vulnerable and very confused as to what is happening.

“What’s up, Lulu?” he asks, doing his best to keep himself calm and collected. He can tell she sees right through it. She sighs, posture relaxing but still eyeing him with a burning gaze.

“What’s going on with you and Magnus,” she asks. He relaxes instantly, laughing.

“Jeez, you had me worried there for a sec,” he responds, making his way over to her bed and plopping down on the edge, crossing his legs. “It’s nothing, we’re just fucking around and enjoying ourselves.”

“So you’re just sleeping with him?”

“Yeah, is that a problem?” he asks.

“No, it’s just…” she trails off, watching him carefully. “Nothing. Y’know what, forget I said anything. I’m glad you guys are having fun, just be safe.”

“Alright,  _ mom _ ,” he says, attempting to laugh away the lingering tension in the room. “Don’t worry ‘bout it, I’ve got the birth control sitch covered.”

Lup rolls her eyes at him.

“Just wanted to check in with you. Y’all seemed a lot closer and I wasn’t sure what was going on,” she says, and Taako feels his chest tighten as he understands what she’s implying.

“Strictly hooking up, don’t even worry about it,” he replies, much more reserved in his response this time. “I’d have told you if it was anything more.”

“Cool,” she replies, smiling at him in a way that feels all too “knowing.” Then she nods and opens the door, offering him an exit from the conversation that he gladly takes.

* * *

Things continue like this for the next few months. By cycle three Magnus is fully adjusted to having the proper genitalia, and he tells Taako it feels wrong to be without it at the start of the cycle. He and Taako are now unbelievably comfortable around each other, and Taako notices the others casting curious glances their way on occasion. He’s determined not to think about it.

There’s a day mid-cycle when the gravity of their situation comes crashing down on Taako. It’s not the first time it’s happened, but this time feels different somehow. He doesn’t leave his room for almost the entire day, the terror and dread that clouds his mind chaining him to his bed. Lup checks in on him around noon, and he tells her with full honesty that he’s feeling like shit and just needs to sleep it off. He can tell she’s still concerned but she leaves him to rest. He manages to nap for a couple of hours and when he wakes he’s greeted with a platter of food and note with Lup’s flourished handwriting saying she hopes he feels better. It’s dark by the time he manages to drag himself out of bed, feeling hollow, heavy, and numb all at once. Normally in these situations, he’d go to Lup, but for whatever reason, he finds himself at Magnus’s door instead.

He knocks, something he rarely does. A moment later he hears Magnus call out “Come in!” and he takes in a deep breath before entering.

Magnus is sitting up in his bed as he walks in. Taako stands in the doorway, hesitating, feeling more vulnerable than he’s felt in a long time. Neither of them speaks for a moment until Magnus breaks the silence.

“You okay?”

Taako bites his lip, averting his eyes and grasping at the front of his shirt. He’s come this far, he can’t turn back now. He exhales slowly and looks back up at Magnus.

“Not really, no,” he replies. Magnus instantly sits up straighter, concern written on his face clear as day. He pats the bed in front of him, a clear invitation for Taako to sit down, but one that Taako is sure he wouldn’t be upset were he not to take. Nonetheless, he quickly makes his way across the room and settles on the bed, hugging himself tightly.

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to—” Magnus starts, but Taako shakes his head.

“I want to I just… I don’t really know  _ how _ ,” he replies quietly. He’s not used to doing this kind of thing. The only other person he’s ever opened up to is Lup and that’s different because she’s his sister; they’ve gone to hell and back together and know each other better than they know themselves. Magnus is… Magnus is something else entirely.

“Take as much time as you need,” he says, and in the back of his mind, Taako is struck by how much Magnus has matured from the brash, eager-to-please man he was when they first met nearly 4 years ago. They’ve both changed, he supposes.

“I’m not good at the whole… feelings thing,” he admits, not looking up from his lap. He doesn’t think he’ll be able to do this if he has to look him in the eyes doing it. “It’s just... it’s all so fucking much. We’re just seven people trying to stop the end of reality as we know it  _ all on our own _ . Who fucking knows how long it will take to stop the Hunger, let alone if we even can at all.

“I’ve tried to convince myself I don’t fucking care about any of this as long as I haven’t lost Lup but  _ gods _ , I wish we could just be home again. It may have been filled with people I hated and who hated me but at least we weren’t on the run from an unstoppable force trying to consume reality. I just… I don’t know how much longer I can do this. Everything we try feels pointless.”

It’s quiet for a moment, and then he feels a pair of strong arms wrap around him and pull him against a firm chest. For a brief moment, he tenses against the embrace, but then he’s sinking into it, closing his eyes and turning his face into the crook of Magnus’s neck. For the first time that day, he feels grounded. He breathes slowly, clutching the fabric of the back of Magnus’s shirt. They sit like that for a few minutes, and Taako is already starting to feel calmer.

“You don’t have to pretend to be okay with any of this,” Magnus whispers, running his hand along Taako’s back soothingly. “I don’t think any of us are really okay. We can’t forget that we’re all here for each other, we’re all in this together. It can feel overwhelming but as long as we stick together we can at least make it a bit easier to bear.”

Taako nods. The heaviness in his chest still lingers but now at least it feels a bit easier to stomach. He lets out a deep breath, some of the lingering tension leaving his body.

“Can I stay here tonight?” he asks, suddenly feeling far too tired to even consider walking all the way back to his room.

“Duh, you’re always welcome,” Magnus says lightly, and Taako feels his stomach flutter. For the moment he chooses to ignore it.

* * *

Taako’s world is shattered one otherwise insignificant night as he lays next to Magnus in bed, watching the slow rise and fall of his chest. It’s the middle of cycle four, two years since their “arrangement” started. He traces the faded, clean scars that follow the curve of Magnus’s pecs with his forefinger, noticing a new smattering of freckles that have cropped up on his chest this cycle. It’s in that moment as he pauses to take in all the small details that make Magnus Magnus, that it hits him. It’s an all-consuming realization that somehow feels more real and more terrifying than even the Hunger. He is in love with this idiot man who he in no way deserves to have in his life. 

Taako doesn’t  _ do  _ feelings. He does hook-ups, fuck buddies, friends with benefits, whatever you want to call it, maybe the occasional fling. He flirts almost relentlessly, uses it as a defense when he’s uncomfortable or just to have fun. This is something else altogether. Love is something that other people get to experience, get to thrive in, but not him. He has never let himself get close enough to another person to fall because he knows that he wouldn’t be a good partner. He’s hard to deal with and comes with so much baggage that no one deserves to have to share. He would ruin anyone willing to have him.

Yet here he is, having ignored the warning signs and fallen into the deep end. He should have known better than do this with someone as caring and wonderful as Magnus fucking Burnsides. He should have known that it was too much of a risk. Now he wants nothing more than to run, to end whatever this “thing” they’ve been doing and pretend like it never happened in the first place. To save both Magnus and himself before it’s too late.

But he doesn’t. He lays there feeling almost unbearably vulnerable, heart overflowing with emotions, both good and bad, and he pushes his feelings deep down. What they have now is  _ good  _ and  _ works  _ and is one of the few constants he can rely on in the chaos that overwhelms their lives. In his mind, he reasons that while it’s selfish, he can’t hurt Magnus if he doesn’t know how Taako feels. So he won’t tell him. He’ll keep it to himself because gods forbid he let himself ruin one of the few good things in his life.

* * *

It takes a whole cycle, but eventually the inevitable happens. Merle breaks out one of his stronger smokable plants and everyone but Davenport and Lucretia partakes (they always have at least one designated sober person among and the two of them weren’t in the mood). Barry passes out after an hour or so, and Taako is sprawled out across Magnus’s lap as per usual. Magnus is threading his fingers through Taakos hair, Taako’s eyes shut and a contented smile on his face. He relishes in the attention and the tranquility of the moment.

Then he hears Lup clear her throat and he opens his eyes to look over at her.

“I think I’m gonna go grab some snacks, Taako do you think you can help me?” she asks, though there’s a tone underlying the words that he recognizes and instantly puts him on edge. 

He sighs and drags himself up into a sitting position, patting Magnus’s thigh before rising and following Lup into the kitchen. As soon as they’re through the door, Lup turns towards him and fixes him with a calculated stare.

“No bullshit, what’s going on with you and Magnus,” she says, and before he can even open his mouth she raises her hand exhales sharply. “I have seen you with the people you’ve hooked up with in the past, and this is not that. What’s up.”

His mouth opens and closes for a moment as he searches for something, some plausible excuse to get her off his back, but between the haziness of his very-not-sober thoughts and his reluctance to lie about this kind of thing to his sister, he can’t think of any excuse that would satisfy her.

“It’s nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s not. We’re fuck buddies, friends with benefits, whatever you want to call it,” he says, and while it’s true the words turn sour in his mouth. This feels very different from the conversation they had a few cycles ago but eerily reminiscent. Lup watches him, a curious expression on her face, and he stares back at her, challenging her to dig deeper. 

“And is that what  _ he  _ wants?” she asks, and Taako’s jaw tightens and he averts his eyes. For all he knows, probably. That’d be for the better at least. She’s quiet for a moment, then, “Is that what  _ you  _ want?”

“Yes! I don’t know… I…” he trails off staring intently at a cracked tile on the ground. “It’s better this way. He deserves better—”

“Stop that. Don’t even start with that. Hey, look at me,” she says, and he feels her hands grip his shoulders. He reluctantly lifts his head, meeting her eyes. She looks concerned and determined and he’s sure if it weren’t for the drugs he would already be locking himself in his room and refusing to leave it for the next few days. “Do you have feelings for Magnus?”

He looks at her for a moment, feeling his composure slipping away from him, bit by bit. He realizes his hands are shaking and suddenly feels a tear slip down his cheek. Two years of pushing down his feelings and now they’re all bubbling to the surface and there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

“I love him, Lup,” he whispers, and with that the dam breaks. The tears are flowing freely and he feels so unbelievably scared having let himself say those words aloud. And then he’s being hugged and he feels Lup petting the back of his head soothingly. He hiccups against her, clutching onto her like a lifeboat. He pulls away and furiously wipes at his eyes, sniffling. “I know it shouldn’t be this big of a deal but I just… I don’t know how to deal with it and I don’t want to ruin how things are. Like, it might not be everything I want but it’s not like the way things are now is  _ bad _ and I don’t want to risk fucking it up.”

Lup nods, and Taako hates how understanding she’s being. Part of him wants her to yell at him, or to tell him he’s being an idiot about this, but the more rational part of his brain tells him that he wouldn’t react well to that, and she knows that about him.

“I get it. Shit’s scary right now and it feels like everything is changing constantly, I get why you wouldn’t want this to change,” she says. “But you know, change doesn’t always have to be a bad thing.”

“Doesn’t make it any less terrifying.”

“I know, but that’s why you shouldn’t have to go through it alone,” she replies, reaching up to brush a loose strand of hair behind his ear. “I think you should talk to Magnus about this. Do it in your own time, but I think the sooner you get this off your chest, the better.”

“And if he doesn’t feel the same?”

“Then at worst you’ll feel awkward for a week or so and then things will go back to normal. Maybe your little agreement ends, but if you really want to fuck around there’s a decent chance of there being some good-looking hunks that you can hook-up with planetside each cycle,” she says, smiling. “Magnus is a good dude, he wouldn’t hold it against you. And honestly, I’d be surprised if he hasn’t been crushing on you since day one considering all the stunts he’d pull to get your attention.”

“Hey, he’d do that around both of us,” he counters, and Lup rolls her eyes at him.

“Only because you hardly left my side the first few months, doofus,” she teases. She turns away and starts rummaging in the cabinets. “Now come on, we promised snacks so we’d better deliver.”

After that, the weight in Taako’s chest feels a bit easier to bear. 

* * *

Following their less-than-sober confrontation, Lup stops bother Taako about Magnus. Or, to be more accurate, she doesn’t bother him in a way that’s too emotionally involved. She shoots him teasing looks on occasion when Magnus inevitably fixes his hair or some other equivalent display of affection, and he’ll respond with a glare or pointedly flipping her off, neither action with any real venom behind it. He’s sure he’ll tell Magnus at some point, but when exactly that will be is hard to say. Part of him is holding off because he’s still terrified of commitment and change, and those are two fears of his that aren’t going to be resolved with a simple conversation or confession. The other part of him is just waiting for the time to be right.

He’s found himself analyzing almost every interaction he’s had with Magnus as of late, searching for signs that Magnus has romantic feelings for him. The thing is that with Magnus the line between platonic and romantic interactions is so blurred that he has absolutely no clue how he feels. Usually, things like excessive physical affection would indicate romantic feelings, but that’s just what Magnus does  _ all the time _ . For someone who’s as open about his feelings as Magnus is, it’s really hard to read him on this ground.

Taako wonders whether Magnus would have told him by now if he felt the same way, but based on the things Lup had pointed out he figures probably not. Magnus was far less open about that kind of thing when they first met, and if he’d had a crush on him then he most definitely wouldn’t have told him. Maybe he’s in the same position as Taako, not wanting to ruin the relationship they have now by asking for anything more. Considering he  _ knows  _ that Taako doesn’t usually do serious relationships, that could also be a plausible reason for him to have not said anything.

Taako realizes that were he to pluck up the courage and just  _ tell him _ then he wouldn’t be stuck pondering these questions, but the time still doesn’t feel  _ right _ .

Then a new cycle begins, and the world they enter is inhabited. The Light falls on their side of the planet, and they manage to reach the general area in which it’s landed within a few days. The problems start when they encounter the three warring tribes occupying the region, none of which appear to be very open to outsiders. Magnus, Taako, Merle, and Davenport go planetside together to seek conference with what seems to be the friendliest of the three tribes, but they are received far from cordially. They make it within the boundaries of their capital city, and upon telling them what they’re looking for, they learn that the tribe has recovered the Light but refuses to give it up. While not ideal, the situation almost ends without conflict, but while attempting to reason with them, Merle unintentionally insults their leader. 

In the ensuing chaos, Taako finds himself firing off spells in all directions, surrounded by around 30 trained fighters. They’ve battled worse, but right now it’s just the four of them, and they’re fighting on the enemy’s homeland. He’s not sure if they’ll all make it out of this cycle alive, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t die trying. After firing off a Sunbeam, he spots Magnus about forty feet away, looking rough but still standing. He watches as a warrior charges him from behind, unbeknownst to Magnus, who is fighting head to head with what appears to be an armored ogre. Taako quickly fires off a round of Magic Missile, striking down the warrior.

Magnus turns at the sudden explosive sound behind him and Taako watches in horror as the ogre slams it’s mace into Magnus’s side, knocking him off his feet. Taako surges forward as Magnus’s form crumples upon impact, hardly paying attention to the other warriors around him. Upon reaching Magnus’s side and seeing his chest still rising and falling he turns, eyes narrowed to face the ogre who’d struck him down. He raises his hand and points at it as it advances.

“Try it again, homie, I dare you,” he says. The ogre raises its mace to strike once more and Taako narrows his eyes. “Well, can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

There’s a flash of green light and the ogre crumbles into a pile of dust. Taako falls to his knees, his remaining energy instantly drained. For a moment he thinks that this is it, he’s a goner, but then he realizes that the sounds of battle have ceased. He looks around, realizing that the remaining warriors seem to be falling back, most likely to gather reinforcements. 

“Alright Mags, we’ve gotta get going, those thugs definitely aren’t gonna be gone for long,” he says, turning towards the human. As soon as he looks he realizes Magnus hasn’t moved an inch and his breathing appears to be much shallower than before. “Magnus?”

Taako moves closer, a sense of dread settling in his stomach. Magnus’s side is soaked through with blood, and he realizes with a start that there’s what appears to be a javelin piercing through the left side of his abdomen.

“Didn’t quite nail that landing,” Magnus mutters, letting out a weak chuckle that quickly turns into a painful sounding cough. Taako swears under his breath looking around to see if he can spot Merle or Davenport nearby.

“I’m gonna find Merle, get him to actually be useful for once in his fuckin’ life,” he says, starting to stand up. Before he can rise fully, he feels a weak grip at his wrist and turns back to see Magnus looking up at him.

“I don’t think there’s time for that,” he says with a grimace. “It’s okay, I’ll be back good as ever next cycle. I’d rather be with you when it happens, though.”

Taako’s heart aches. He knows it’s not permanent, but it doesn’t make it suck any less whenever one of them dies. So far it’s almost always been Magnus.

“Okay,” he says quietly. In that moment he wishes he knew at least one healing spell, or even Ease Pain, but he just feels helpless. “I finished off that ogre for you. I can’t believe you went after a fucking ogre,  _ idiot _ .”

“What’d you hit it with?” Magnus asks, smiling weakly.

“Disintegrate.”

“Sick.”

They’re quiet for a moment, and Taako can hear Magnus’s breathing getting slower and slower. He can see the life slipping from Magnus’s eyes by the second. Taako’s caught off guard as Magnus reaches up a hand to cup his cheek.

“You’re beautiful,” he says, and Taako feels his heart pounding in his chest. There’s something about the moment that everything just seems to fall into place. It feels right.

“I love you.”

He watches as recognition dawns on Magnus’s face, and then just as quickly as it appears, he goes still, hand falling to his side, and he’s gone. Taako doesn’t move for a minute, feeling both warm and numb. He can’t let himself mourn Magnus because he knows this isn’t it, that he’ll be back at the start of the next cycle, but no matter how many times he repeats that thought in his mind, Magnus’s body is still undeniably lain out in front of him. He leans forward, pressing a careful kiss to his forehead and then standing. 

Next cycle.

* * *

As it turns out, even if he had gone looking for Merle it wouldn’t have done any good. Merle had also been overtaken during the battle and died before Magnus had even been hit, as reported by Davenport. Without their fighter and their cleric, the remaining crew decides their chances of claiming the Light this cycle are slim to none, and they vacate the region in favor of finding a friendlier place to settle down for the year.

Taako locks himself in Magnus’s room for the first couple nights after his death, but it does little to ease the ache in his chest. Not only does he miss Magnus horribly, but he’s also realized that when he comes back he’ll know. Taako put his heart on the line and he’ll have to wait nearly a year to know how that vulnerability will be received. He knows he should find something, anything to distract himself. There’s nothing he can do about the situation until Magnus returns, so he shouldn’t let himself get caught up in overthinking every possible outcome. The problem is that he feels completely drained. He has no drive to get up and do anything, all he can bring himself to do is get up to use the bathroom and sneak into the kitchen to eat something whenever he thinks he won’t run into anyone else.

It takes three days for Lup to intervene. She brings him a platter of food that appears to be some of his favorite dishes from their homeworld made with some...  _ generous  _ substitutions. He watches her silently as she places it in front of him and then sits down on the bed in front of him, making it apparent that she doesn’t intend to leave without a conversation. He sits up and picks up his fork, beginning to carefully pick at the food. It takes him a couple of meager bites before he realizes just how hungry he is and how delicious the food is, and he begins eating with earnest. Then he remembers Lup is still sitting there and slows his actions, looking up at her.

She’s watching him carefully, concern etched into her features and Taako gets the sense that there’s a measure of pity mixed in there as well. 

“How’re you holding up?” she asks, and he huffs, returning to his meal.

“Oh, marvelously, can’t you tell?” he responds, stabbing his fork through a sausage. Lup sighs, readjusting her placement on the bed.

“Davenport told me you were with him when he died, I can only imagine—”

“He’ll be back at the start of the next cycle, it’s fine.”

“Is it, though?” she says, and he goes quiet, setting down his fork. “It’s okay to be affected by this. This whole situation is fucked. Even if it all gets undone at the end of the year, you still watched him… you’re allowed to grieve him, you know?”

He hums, not looking up from his plate.

“I’m serious. I’m not judging you for hiding out in here, gods know what I’d do if I…” she trails off, and he looks up at her curiously. She doesn’t seem to notice, caught up in her own thoughts. “Look, all I want to say is that if need a distraction or want to just do something fun, I’m here. I snuck down planetside and got ahold of some new ingredients and recipe books from one of the outlying towns if you wanna try those out with me.”

He nods, staring ahead of him blankly. He appreciates what she’s saying, but it does little to ease the pain, the anxiety, the apprehension.

“I told him I love him,” he admits quietly, not looking up. “Right before he died, I told him.”

Lup doesn’t reply for a moment, but he can feel her stare burning into his skin.

“How’d he take it?” she asks, a calculated gentleness in her tone that she only breaks out when she knows he’s feeling particularly fragile.

“Dunno. Died before he could get out a response,” he says, returning to his food with far less enthusiasm than before. 

“Well shit,” she responds as Taako takes another bite. “But he for sure heard you?”

“Yeah, he registered it. Didn’t seem like he was gonna respond badly or anything, but still gotta wait till next cycle to know how he feels.”

Lup goes quiet for a minute as he eats, lost in thought.

“Well, since there’s nothing we can really do but wait, that recipe offer definitely still stands,” she offers, and Taako smiles. He swallows his last mouthful of food and sets down his cutlery, setting aside the tray.

“First of all, thank you for the meal, it was amazing,” he says, and she smiles at the praise. “Second of all, fucking around with some recipes sounds like exactly the kind of thing I need right now.”

She grins at him, pushing herself up off the bed and extending a hand to help him up.

“I was hoping you’d say that, I found one that seems similar to Aunt Arryn’s ceviche but it’s got some fuckin’  _ wild _ ingredients from this world,” she says, and Taako scoffs.

“Doubt it can beat Aunt Arryn’s ceviche but hell yeah, let’s give this baby a whirl,” he replies, grabbing her hand and pulling himself to his feet.

A little distraction goes a long way to soothe a battered heart.

* * *

The cycle seems to drag on endlessly. No matter how many trips they take down to the surface, how many recipes Taako tests with Lup, everything feels stagnant. Everything feels overshadowed by his confession and longing for Magnus to rejoin them. They’ve never had one of them die at the very beginning of a cycle, and this year makes Taako hope it never happens again.

When the Hunger finally arrives, Taako can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of relief as they fly away from the planet. As they weave their way out of the planar system, Taako waits on the deck, watching with bated breath the place where Magnus always reappears. As they phase through reality and shift into their positions, he watches as white beams of light appear, threading together into a large, familiar form. As they appear in their new planar system, Taako’s heart hammers away in his chest, mind only focused on one thing. 

And then Magnus is there, with his black eye and carefully styled sideburns and slicked-back wavy hair. Taako sprints towards him, covering the distance in an instant and tackling him in a tight embrace that’s quickly returned. Magnus is warm and solid and  _ there _ . 

“Never do that again,” he says, and Magnus responds simply by holding him tighter. 

Distantly he’s aware of the rest of the crew encircling them, welcoming Magnus back, but all he cares about is that Magnus is here and he’s holding him again and he  _ knows _ . He realizes that there are tears in his eyes, and hides his face in the crook of Magnus’s neck, not wanting the others to see but not wanting to let go. After a couple of minutes, the others start to busy themselves with their yearly tasks, and Taako finally relaxes his grip.

“How about we go somewhere we can talk,” Magnus says, a gentle smile on his face. Taako nods, nerves somewhat soothed by his calm demeanor.

They make their way to Magnus’s room, which has been kept dust-free by Taako in his absence. They settle down on the bed together, sitting close enough that their thighs touch. For a moment they just sit there in silence. Taako realizes that considering he’s been waiting for it for a year, he should really feel more prepared to have this conversation.

“Guessing we didn’t get the Light last cycle?”

Taako chuckles nervously, fiddling with his fingers in his lap.

“Nope. Found some dope new recipes that I’ll have to cook up for you at some point, though,” he replies, appreciative of the casual conversation.  
“Can’t wait to try it, I’m sure it’ll be great.”

“Well duh, if I’m cooking it’s always gonna be rad as hell.”

Magnus laughs softly, looking down at his lap with a smile on his face. Taako watches him, waiting for him to say something in response, part of him hoping he’ll keep up the inauspicious chatter for just a bit longer.

“What you said, right before I died last cycle,” Magnus says and Taako stills. Guess he should have known better than to hope. “Did you… what did you mean by it?”

“Getting right into it, huh,” Taako replies, looking down at his hands. He hesitates before replying. “What do you want it to mean?”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Taako sighs, his shoulders tensing. 

“No, I guess not,” he replies. He grabs the hem of his sleeve, pulling it down over his palm. “I… I meant that I love you. That I’m  _ in  _ love with you.”

The room is quiet, the silence broken only by his and Magnus’s breathing.

“How long?” he hears Magnus say quietly. “How long have you known?”

“Cycle four.”

He hears Magnus suck in a breath, but he’s still determinedly staring down at his lap, carefully analyzing the pattern of the blanket they’re sitting on.

“Can I kiss you?”

Instantly, Taako is staring him dead in the eyes, almost refusing to believe what he’d just heard. Magnus looks overjoyed, and Taako is hardly processing what is happening.

“So you—?”

“I’ve had feelings for you since the day we fucking met, now can I  _ please  _ kiss you?” he asks, and rather than reply Taako surges forward, pressing their lips together in probably one of the best kisses of his life thus far. They’ll talk later, but right now, he just wants this. They have all the time in the world for talking.

* * *

As it turns out, Magnus had, as Lup predicted, pulled a lot of his stunts to get Taako’s attention. He tells Taako that for a while it was just a crush, but then when they started sleeping together it slowly started to grow into something more. He estimates that he fell probably around the same time that Taako did, if not a bit sooner. Distantly he had hoped that one day they’d end up romantically involved, something a bit more strings-attached, but had resigned himself to the possibility of it never happening.

They talk it over and both agree that they don’t really need a label for their relationship. Considering their circumstances, “boyfriends” feels too impersonal, and “partners” feels too formal, not quite “them.” All that really matters is that they love each other, and they both know that, and they’re both going to do their best to make this work.

Lup pulls Taako aside as soon as he leaves Magnus’s room, excitedly demanding he tells her what happened. He tells her nonchalantly that she may have been correct about the whole stunt thing from the first couple cycles, and she nearly knocks him over with the force of the hug she gives him. Taako learns later that she then proceeds to corner Magnus and gives him the “you break my brother’s heart, I break every bone in your body for every cycle we have left” talk before giving him a crushing hug. Taako suspects other things were said between them, but both of them keep tight-lipped about it if that’s the case. 

The rest of the crew learns slowly. Barry hears first from Lup, and Taako notices for the first time that they’ve gotten a lot closer over the past few cycles. He files it away to tease Lup about in private later, knowing she’d pull out some of the stupid sappy shit he’d said last cycle in Magnus’s absence just to embarrass him if he tried to grill her in front of Barry. They learn that Merle had just assumed they had already been a thing for a couple of cycles at this point, which yeah, they’ll admit that not much about their interactions has changed since making it official. Lucretia, unfortunately, finds out after she walks in on them making out in the lounge at 3 a.m. one night. After a few days of awkward silence between them, she assures them that that particular incident will be omitted from any of her journal entries. She, too, admits she had suspected that they were already a couple but hadn’t wanted to dig into their personal business. When Davenport finds out, he momentarily forgets that they’re no longer bound by the rules of the IPRE and leaves the room muttering something about filing paperwork with HR (he finds them again later and apologizes, assuring them that he’s happy for them and glad that at least  _ some  _ good has come from their situation).

Taako is both surprised and relieved by how little things change. The only major difference is that now his and Magnus’s downtime is punctuated by kisses and murmured words of affection (the latter mainly coming from Magnus, but Taako thoroughly enjoys watching how Magnus lights up whenever he compliment him). That and Lup feels safe to openly tease him about being sappy, which, even if irritating at times, still counts as a positive change in Taako’s mind. Despite everything, they’re happy.

* * *

The cycles start to pass faster and faster, and it becomes harder and harder to cope. Every year it’s the same thing: locate the Light, overcome whatever obstacles may lay between it and them, and then get out before the Hunger consumes them. Sure, the worlds are pretty interesting to explore, but it’s harder to fully appreciate it when there’s a hard deadline imposed by a world-ending evil entity hanging over your head. They find ways of keeping themselves busy, often resolving to train in any way they can, scouring every tome they come across for anything that may lead them to some way of finally defeating the Hunger.

The beach year is a welcome change of pace. Nothing hostile, a gorgeous atmosphere, no excuses for doing anything other than taking time to relax and enjoy themselves. Taako enjoys surfing  _ immensely _ and attempts to teach it to Magnus to some degree of success (he falls off the board nearly every time, but they laugh about it and just live in the moment). Magnus enjoys “keeping the team on their feet” throughout the year, and Lup especially enjoys the target practice he gives her. Once, after fireballing a particularly small piece of driftwood out of the air with perfect accuracy, she tells Taako “You really got lucky with this one” as she passes him by, and while he sticks his tongue out at her in response, he can’t help but agree.

When Barry tells him how he feels about Lup, he wonders if this is how Lup felt while she was watching him and Magnus pine after each other for nearly three years. He’d already had his suspicions about the two of them, but now knowing for sure that Barry has feelings for her, he can’t wait to lord it over her head as soon as they confess. Exactly how long it will be until they do is a whole other story. Between the two of them, Lup has always been better at talking through emotional shit, but that doesn’t mean she’s good at dealing with her own feelings. They both struggle with the same issue of letting down their walls, so he has a feeling it will be a while before she even  _ thinks  _ about telling Barry. And, on the other side of it, considering Barry himself is a nervous wreck around her, he doubts Barry will be plucking up the courage to tell her how he feels any time soon. 

But, as he told Barry, they’ve got time. Nothing’s forcing them to figure this out before a certain deadline, and gods know he can’t say shit about taking forever to confess. They’ll figure things out eventually.

* * *

Once Merle starts parlaying with the Hunger, the cycles seem to go by much faster, driven by the sense that they’re finally making headway in figuring out how to put an end to it all. The cycles don’t get any easier, though, and the stolen moments are all that keep them from falling apart. Taako starts experiencing night terrors. He doesn’t need sleep technically, but before now it’d been an escape, a few hours where he doesn’t have to think about how shitty their situation is. It’s after multiple nights of being woken from nightmares by Magnus holding him to his chest to keep him from hurting himself that he stops sleeping, opting instead to meditate for a couple of hours at a time throughout the day to keep up his energy. They talk about it a bit but considering they’re still living the hell that’s causing the night terrors and will continue to be for the foreseeable future, there’s not much else they can do.

The year at Legato Conservatory helps give them focus. While they’re technically still working towards the same goal as ever, they get to develop skills that they haven’t given as much time in prior cycles. Taako is a bit more flippant with his work, just stealing aphorisms from all the worlds they’ve traveled through and compiling them, but he still enjoys it. It’s easy, calming work, unlike what he finds himself doing in most other cycles. He also loves watching Magnus kindling his new passion for woodworking. He’s focused and calculated in a way that Taako has never seen before, and it makes him all the more appreciative of the benefits of having so much time with Magnus.

He doesn’t see Lup very much this cycle, something out of the ordinary for them. He still remembers a time when they were near inseparable, but now he supposes that’s changed a bit. That’s not to say he doesn’t miss her constantly, but they’re not the same people they were at the start of all of this. He notices Barry’s absence as well and puts together what that must mean. At the end of the cycle when they perform their duet, he’s far from surprised, though he’d be lying if he wasn’t caught off guard by just how comfortable they are around each other. When they take their bows, he watches them take each others’ hands and not let go, and he smiles. 

He also resolves to find Lup as soon as possible when the celebration is over and tease the shit out of her because  _ holy shit _ it took them over  _ forty years _ . Sure he told Barry he had time but he didn’t think it’d take  _ that long _ .

* * *

As soon as they arrive on Faerun, it somehow feels like they were always meant to end their journey here. Between it being so similar to their homeworld and how quickly they recover the Light, the way things fall into place is almost eerily perfect. When the Hunger’s scouts don’t find them, they celebrate, but everything they do is with an air of apprehension. After a hundred years on the run, none of them are quite ready to let their guards down.

After they send their relics out into the world, the bittersweet relief of finally evading the Hunger grows ever more apparent. They watch wars rage on the planet’s surface from the deck of the Starblaster, every day considering whether or not what they have done was worth it. They do their best to distract themselves, filling their time with trivial tasks, getting high, anything to keep their minds off of the devastation their creations wreak below them.

A year passes and they celebrate, but their hearts aren’t in it. The weight of how they’ve hurt the world that they suppose is now their home, along with the realization that they no longer have a goal to work towards, it’s crushing. Taako copes as he always does by disengaging. He detaches himself from the world because he knows he would not be able to bear the weight of it all if he let himself feel their grief, their pain. He knows it’s selfish but after hundreds of years of fending for himself and the people he cares about against insurmountable odds, it’s all he feels capable of doing. What’s the fucking point.

* * *

Lup disappears. Taako shuts down. The rest of the crew tries their best to be there for him, Magnus and Barry especially. The problem is that Barry is struggling as well, and Magnus… Magnus always struggles the most when he can’t protect the people he cares about from the things causing them the most pain. The only good that comes of it is that they once again have a goal.

* * *

Everything is disappearing. Taako stands helplessly, terrified, as his memories are torn from his mind. Magnus, who he loves, the one person he trusts as much as his sister. His sister is… his sister? He blasts Barry off the edge of the ship, and watches him… watches a man fall… did he just kill…? He tears his eyes away, looking around at his surroundings and he doesn’t know where he is or how he got there. He tries and tries to remember but his attempts are met with nothing but an insurmountable static. All that’s left is undirected panic, betrayal, and the crushing feeling that he’s lost everything.


	2. After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They find each other again, and they struggle.

Magnus Burnsides is an enigma. He’s a pretty normal dude: a charismatic, well-meaning man who can be a bit stupid a lot of the time, but there’s something about him that Taako can’t understand. There’s a familiarity to him that he can’t quite place, and the same goes for Merle, but not nearly to the same extent. With Magnus, he can fall into banter with the ease of two people who have known each other far longer than a week. After spending so many years on his own, it’s jarring to him.

The thing about Magnus that is the most jarring to Taako, however, is how he makes Taako feel. As soon as they meet, Taako instantly feels attracted to him, but not in a “hey you’re hot, I’m down to fuck around, let’s have some fun,” sort of way. It’s a very familiar, deep-seated attraction, and it feels  _ far  _ too much like love. He does his best to ignore it, because how could he love someone he’d just met. It’s disconcerting enough to deter him from pursuing any sort of hook-up with him, at least at first. 

The attraction he feels towards Magnus is still undeniably there and seems to grow stronger the more time they spend together, and it becomes harder and harder to ignore. Taako comes to realize that the near overwhelming loneliness he’s felt for as long as he can remember eases greatly whenever he’s near him. He can’t remember ever wanting to let his walls down for  _ anyone  _ like this. It scares him.

All it takes is one drunken night for all caution to be thrown to the wind. There’s a celebration after they recover the Oculus, and they both end up totally wasted. He’s not sure who initiates it, but he finds himself pressed against the wall outside of the party, frantically making out with Magnus. Were he soberer he may have been struck by how familiar, how normal it felt, but at the moment the only thing on his mind is  _ Magnus _ , and it’s all-consuming. They stumble back to their dorm, still somewhat aware that they share a room with two other people and that it’d be in their best interest to be decent by the time their roommates return. They have sex, and in the afterglow, Taako curls into Magnus’s side, humming when an arm wraps around his waist to pull him closer. He’s not sober enough to be bothered worrying about what the consequences of this may be, or why it feels like they’ve done this countless times before despite it being the first. Instead, he slips into the first peaceful night of sleep he’s had in a long, long time.

* * *

The next morning, Magnus is gone when he wakes up, a scrawled note in his place. ‘ _ Gone to train. Need to clear my head. We’ll talk later _ .’ It makes Taako’s stomach twist, both because of the short tone and the prospect of actually talking about it.

As it turns out, “talking” doesn’t involve much talking at all. When Magnus returns, Taako can see thinly-veiled distress and guilt written all over his face and posture. He knows how this is going to end before a single word is said.

“This isn’t going to be a thing, last night shouldn’t have happened in the first place,” he says shortly, and Taako nods, stone-faced. “It’s not about you, it’s not anything you’ve done. Maybe we could have had a thing if we’d met at a different time but… I’m sorry, I can’t do this.”

“It’s okay.”

And it should be. He doesn’t understand why it’s not.

* * *

After that, he doesn’t pursue anything further with Magnus. His feelings linger though, no matter how hard he tries to stamp them out, knowing they’ll lead nowhere. The rejection stings for far longer than it should, and he flirts with nearly every man he crosses paths with to try and get over it, to little avail. It doesn’t help that he learns that Magnus is a very physically affectionate person. He hugs his friends, offers backrubs, puts his arms around people’s shoulders. Platonic cuddling is also very much on the table. Physical contact with him is a near-constant. Even after their one-night-stand, he’s still just as physically affectionate with Taako as he is with the rest of their friends. Part of Taako wishes he wouldn’t, but the rest of him  _ needs  _ the affection,  _ thrives  _ in it. It gets to a point where he’ll sometimes slip down into Magnus’s bed when he gets overwhelmed by his own thoughts at night. He doesn’t understand how simply lying on top of the covers next to him alleviates so much of his loneliness, but at this point, he’s come to accept that there are just some things regarding Magnus that he’ll probably never understand.

* * *

Kravitz is something new. When he’s not trying to drag Taako and his friends into the Astral plane, he’s polite almost to a fault. He has cold hands and gets nervous easily when not on the job and is almost unspeakably handsome, and Taako finds himself falling fast. It’s too early for him to say that he loves him, but he can definitely see himself loving him if things continue to go in the direction they’re headed. Frankly, he’s surprised by how okay he is with that realization. He’s just happy to be wanted; he can’t remember the last time he was in a relationship where he felt genuinely cherished. 

They can’t see each other nearly as often as Taako wishes, seeing as Kravitz always has to be ready to leave for a bounty at a moment’s notice, but they do their best to make things work. Whenever both of them have a free day they come together and go out to dinner, see a play, or just stay in and spend time together. It’s a nice change of pace from the near-constant training Taako’s enduring at the Bureau. 

However, despite how well things are going with Kravitz, he’s still hung up on Magnus. While not really one for labels, he supposes he’d be considered polyamorous, so while he most definitely has feelings for Kravitz and would never even think of cheating on him, he still has those lingering, enigmatic feelings for Magnus that he can’t seem to shake. In a perfect world where Magnus wanted a relationship, he could see himself with both of them. Unfortunately, they don’t live in that world, and he’s resigned himself to that fact. Still, his feelings persist, always settled at the back of his mind. 

* * *

When they arrive in Wonderland, Taako finally understands Magnus’s desire to protect the ones he loves above all else. He already had a suspicion after their interactions with the Chalice, his guilt after their hook-up, and what he’d told Kravitz when they first met about a “Julia,” but his sacrifices are the final pieces in the puzzle. Magnus lost a very important person in his life and is determined not to lose anyone else ever again. Taako respects that, though it still concerns him how Magnus seems to value others’ lives over his own at times. 

Watching the liches drain away his friends’ happiness hurts him more than anything else that this place does to him. He may not be very vocal about it, might tout his determined desire for self-preservation endlessly, but watching the only people he feels he can trust have everything taken from them, facing harsher sacrifices than Taako himself with such nonchalance, it makes his heart burn. 

And then “Magnus” is no longer Magnus, and he instantly knows something is wrong. In that moment, he’s overcome with the overwhelming need to protect, to save, and he casts himself out of his body after Magnus. As he floats through the Ethereal plane towards him, he is gripped by both terror and determination to save this man, this kind, caring, stupid man who he  _ loves  _ despite everything. He grabs his arm and they both look at each other and don’t let go. And then Merle is pulling them out, and Magnus is a mannequin and the Red Robe is there and everything turns to chaos so quickly that Taako can hardly process it. When it’s done and they have the Bell, Taako feels changed. Whether or not it’s for the better remains to be seen.

* * *

Everything comes surging back and he feels as though he’s been hit full force by a train. The cycles, his relationship with Magnus,  _ Lup _ , he remembers it all. Previously withheld context slowly trickles into his recent memories; the overwhelming loneliness that’s plagued him for the past ten years, the unexplainable familiarity and desire to be closer to Magnus, everything fits into place. For a moment he looks at Magnus, who stares back at him with an expression of devastation and remorse that he’s sure is mirroring his own. Then the moment passes and crushing grief is overcome by pure, unbridled rage.

As he draws Lup’s Umbra staff on Lucretia, his vision blurs with hot tears that are soon spilling over, rolling down his cheeks. He begins his countdown, so beyond done with being deceived, with being taken advantage of. He once considered Lucretia to be like a little sister to him, but now all he can think of is how she took  _ everything  _ from him. The only family he ever had, all gone. She left him completely and entirely alone for the first time in his life, a shell of the person he once was, to endure some of the worst ten years of his life. Their life on the Starblaster had been far from perfect, but at least he’d been surrounded by the people he loves, had support through everything. Sure they went through a lot of bullshit, but they went through it together.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Magnus join him and he’s glad at least that he’s here now. As Lucretia desperately tries to reason with them, his anger begins to slowly sputter out, giving way to numbness. Everything is just too much too fast, and he cannot handle it all, so he shuts down. Having his memories back doesn’t fix everything. The Hunger is still here, Lup is still gone, Kravitz is trapped in the Astral plane, and he’s lost what he once had with Magnus. His entire world is falling apart and he can’t bring himself to care.

Then the Hunger comes crashing through the Bureau, and he lets himself fall back into the motions. Suddenly it’s just another cycle battling the Hunger till the bitter end, and there’s a part of him that really needs that familiarity. He loses himself in the heat of the battle, firing off spells, channeling all the overwhelming emotions coursing through him into dope moves, trying to take out as many of the Hunger’s minions as he can before it’s too late. 

When the rhinoceros slams into him, his focus is suddenly torn away from him. He’s knocked back, wounded and disarmed, the rhinoceros still staring him down. For a brief moment, the panic seizes him with full force, and he’s hit with the terrifying realization that this could very well be their last cycle and he could die right here and now. 

And then Angus has the Umbra staff and, there being nothing else he can do, Taako tells him to use it. 

Nothing could have prepared him to see the Fireball that comes out of the staff. He watches the massive blast go off in awe, and as Angus babbles on about how  _ he hadn’t cast that spell _ , the final piece of the puzzle fits into place. He finds himself with the staff in his hands once again, and with only a moment’s hesitation, he raises it up and brings it down with a deafening crack on his knee.

And then there’s Lup. And, amid the chaos of the world ending once again, the long-suffered loneliness that weighed Taako down for nearly eleven years is finally gone.

* * *

In the aftermath of the day of Story and Song, things aren’t easy. The fact that after 112 years of running, it’s finally over, they’ve won, is a lot to process. The Starblaster crew, along with the help of the rest of the Bureau of Balance, throws themselves into rebuilding. Having something to do with their time helps them adjust, and once reconstruction efforts have been mobilized, they’re finally able to set out and start the rest of their lives.

Taako finds a temple overlooking the Stillwater sea that, while a bit big for just him (and Kravitz, Barry, and Lup when they aren’t working), is comfortable enough that he finds it to be a suitable home for the time being. He isn’t sure exactly sure where the rest of his life will lead him, but he’s ready to not be on his toes every waking moment for the first time in his life.

Before he sets off to his new home, Magnus pulls him aside, and he figures he should have seen this coming sooner or later. As they stand together in somber silence, he takes note of how much older he looks from their days together during the cycles.

“Y’know, something that bugged me during that whole time where we didn’t remember, I could never remember who made my dick,” Magnus says, and Taako snorts, caught off guard. “I remembered that someone had Polymorphed it for me, but I could never place who it was. It always felt like the name was on the tip of my tongue. Now I know why.”

“Must have been weird.”  
“Yeah, definitely one of the smaller things, but I’m glad to have gotten closure on that, I guess,” he says, staring down at his feet. He goes quiet for a minute, the silence undeniably tense. “I feel like I owe it to you to explain… what happened between when we… forgot… and now.” 

Taako just watches him, curiosity and apprehension holding him still. Magnus is silent for a few moments, seemingly gathering the strength to say what he feels needs to be said. 

“Her name was Julia,” he starts, and visibly chokes up upon saying her name. Taako waits for him to continue with rapt interest. “We met in Raven’s Roost not long after Lucretia left me there. We were just friends at first, and we joined the revolution that was brewing there together. Over time we rose to be leaders, and we fell in love. We fought side by side and we won, and things were good. We got married not long after the revolution ended. Before joining the revolution I had become the apprentice of her father who was a carpenter, so we worked together in his shop and we were both great at what we did.”

He breaks off, glassy-eyed and he swallows tightly, letting out a deep breath before continuing.

“Three months after the revolution ended I left to participate in a carpentry showcase that was a few days away from Raven’s Roost, and when I returned, the section of the town where we had lived had been destroyed,” he says, and he brings his hand to his face, furiously wiping at the tears that had started to fall. “She… she didn’t make it out.”

Taako watches him, a heavy feeling in his stomach, and all he can do is move forward and hug him. He’s never been good at comforting people but he cares far too much about this man to not at least try.

“I’m sorry,” he says quietly, and Magnus hugs him back tightly. They stand like that for a couple of minutes until Magnus pulls himself together. He steps back, still sniffling but composed enough to continue speaking.

“When we met again… I was instantly attracted to you, I felt like I  _ knew  _ you and I didn’t know how to deal with it,” he says, and Taako’s stomach twists. He doesn’t respond, only nods. “I couldn’t… I hadn’t wanted anyone like that since I lost her, and it felt like I was being unfaithful to her. That’s why I freaked out after we slept together, not because of anything you had done. I don’t want you to think that.”

“I figured it was something like that. I started to piece it all together during Wonderland,” Taako says, and Magnus clenches his jaw.

“In Wonderland… they took from me the memory of who killed her. I don’t… I don’t know who did it, and I won’t ever be able to know,” he says, and then sighs. “I dunno… maybe it’s better that way. Maybe not being able to look for them now will help me just... move on with my life.”

“One less weight you’ve gotta carry, my man,” Taako says, staring blankly ahead of him. Magnus may not remember, but he knows the name of the man who killed Julia. Now, knowing how much this man hurt Magnus, Taako knows that if this man ever crosses his path he will make good on his promise and will take joy in doing so.

They stand there quietly, but Taako gets the sense that Magnus still has something he wants to say. So he waits patiently.

“I still love you,” Magnus says, and Taako’s breath catches in his throat for a moment. Everything feels overwhelmingly vivid. “I know you have Kravitz now and I still feel like it would be… unfaithful Julia if I were to be with you, but I just want you to know. I never stopped loving you, all this time.”

Taako watches him carefully, heart feeling heavier than it has in a while. He thinks carefully about how to respond, wanting to make sure that whatever he says, he says it right.

“I still love you, too,” he says, and Magnus lets out a humorless, wet chuckle, starting to tear up again. “I’m not going to tell you how you should feel regarding Julia, but if you ever wanted to go back to what we had, I’m... polyamorous, I guess is what it’s called. I’d have to talk to Kravitz about it, but on my part, I’d be down.”

Magnus smiles sadly. 

“If anything ever changes, I’ll let you know,” he says, and Taako nods.

“Alright,” he replies. It feels final in a way that he hates, but it’s not his place to say anything of it. Magnus doesn’t meet his eyes, and he sighs. “I know I’m leaving, but remember you can swing by whenever. I’m not that far away, y’know?”

Magnus looks up, a small but genuine smile on his face this time.

“I know.”

* * *

A few months later, Taako finds himself spooning with Kravitz in one of his boyfriend’s few off moments. Kravitz runs his fingers through Taako’s hair, which now reaches midway down his back. His roots have grown out greatly, and frankly, he kind of likes how it looks. He’s not maintaining Minor Illusion at the moment, as much as he’d like to. Kravitz always assures him that he’s still gorgeous, even after what Wonderland took from him, but all he can see in the mirror is a face that is no longer his own. 

They’ve been lying there in comfortable silence for a while now, not a word spoken, just basking in each other’s company. He enjoys any amount of time spent with Kravitz immensely, even if it’s something as simple as this. 

“Taako?” 

“Yeah, babe?” Taako replies, looking up at him curiously.

“Did you and Magnus ever talk about your relationship?” he asks, and Taako stills. “After you all… remembered, I mean.”

Taako supposes he should be surprised it hadn’t come up sooner. Their entire lives stories were broadcasted to the entire planar system, so of course, Kravitz would know that he and Magnus had had a relationship. They haven’t talked about it before now, however, Taako not seeing any point as Magnus hasn’t expressed any change of heart since their last discussion. He studies his boyfriend’s expression to see if he can gauge how he feels about it. He seems calm, perhaps curious. Taako sighs.

“Yeah, uh, it’s kind of complicated,” he says, turning so that he’s properly facing his boyfriend. “Magnus… he found someone, between when we lost our memories and met again, and he lost her. He says he feels like he’d be betraying her to get back into a relationship after losing her.”

Kravitz hums, reaching forward to brush a strand of hair out of Taako’s eyes.

“Julia Burnsides,” he says, and Taako perks up, somewhat confused. “I was the one to collect her soul when she passed. Important revolutionary leader, wife of one of my assigned bounties. She had spirit, didn’t want to believe she’d died. She’s a good person.”

“So you know her?”

“A bit. I wouldn’t say we’re close, but she’s one of the more pleasant spirits I’ve met there,” he says, smiling. “She cares very deeply for Magnus, I’d be surprised if she were to hold anything like that against him. You two have a very unique relationship arising from unusual circumstances. I can’t speak for her, but personally, were you to ever want to rekindle what you had with Magnus, I would be fine with you pursuing that.”

Taako smiles at him, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to his lips.

“Thanks,” he says, and then sighs. “The weight of that choice is really in Magnus’s hands, though, so it probably won’t happen. I’ve accepted that.”

Kravitz watches him with a careful gaze, seemingly contemplating something. He smiles, reaching forward and cupping Taako’s cheek with his hand.

“Just remember it,” he says, leaning forward and kissing Taako gently. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

* * *

A few weeks after their conversation, Kravitz calls Taako on his stone of farspeech asking if he could meet him at home as soon as would be convenient. Taako, who has been working with Ren to set up their (really  _ her _ ) magic school, is instantly worried. Ren tells him to go, that she can handle things for the rest of the day, and so he hurries home. The last person he expects to see when he walks through the door is Magnus.

They’d seen each other once every week or so ever since the Day of Story and Song, so it isn’t that they haven’t seen each other much. He’s mostly confused as to why he’s here  _ now _ , with no notice.

“What’s shakin’?” he asks, confused but still happy to see him. Magnus seems confused as well and somewhat nervous. He’s sitting tensely in one of their armchairs, and Kravitz is standing between the both of them. Kravitz smiles when he enters.

“I have a message to pass on to the both of you,” he says, and he gestures for Taako to take a seat. He slowly obliges, starting to feel a bit nervous himself. He exchanges a look with Magnus who simply shrugs at him. “Now, normally this sort of thing wouldn’t be allowed but seeing as I’m in good favor with the Raven Queen and considering the circumstances, she gave me some allowances.

“Typically I have no interaction with souls that enter the Astral plane after they have been delivered there unless they attempt to escape, but I was allowed to speak to one of the souls that I had the... unfortunate pleasure of delivering myself,” he says, and Taako’s eyes widen as he realizes exactly what has happened. “I spoke with Julia, Magnus.”

Beside him, Magnus inhales sharply, and Taako looks over at him. The man looks like he’s holding his breath, watching Kravitz with an intensity that Taako only sees on very rare occasions. He looks back to Kravitz, waiting with bated breath for him to continue.

“We talked about the two of you, the journey you made and the relationship that you had during your time running from the Hunger, and she wanted me to pass on messages to the both of you,” he says, and in a burst of smoke, a scroll appears, hovering over his right hand. “Firstly, Magnus.”

And then he begins to read.

“‘Magnus. Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I love you so much and don’t blame you for a thing that happened at Raven’s Roost. Don’t blame yourself for what happened, because knowing you, I bet you do. I miss you but don’t do anything stupid to get here sooner than you’re meant to. Other people need you there more than I need you here.

“‘I heard your story, how you traveled across a hundred different worlds with only your friends, or really, your family, to keep you company. I’m so unbelievably proud of all the things you’ve done; all the worlds you saved, and all the people you did your best to protect. I do have one thing I need to tell you, though. What you and Taako had, it’s special, and I don’t want you to think that I’m upset that you love someone else. You two share something that no other two people have ever had, and that’s not something to be squandered. I know that you love me and that nothing is going to change that. If you love Taako as well, don’t feel like you have to deny yourself that relationship because of me. I want you to be happy above all else, and if you can find happiness with him, that’s all that matters to me. You deserve the world. I love you and await you eagerly.’ Signed, Julia.”

Kravitz carefully rolls up the parchment and presents it to Magnus who hesitantly takes it with shaky hands. He looks shell-shocked. Then, he suddenly surges forward and pulls Kravitz into a bone-crushing hug. Taako watches from his seat, a whirlwind of emotion clouding his mind. He wishes he could personally thank Julia, tell her just how much her blessing means to him. He quickly reminds himself that it’s still Magnus’s choice whether or not to heed her blessing and tries his best to calm the thoughts flying through his head.

Once Magnus has calmed his sobs into stifled hiccups, he sits back down, holding the parchment carefully and just staring at it, reverent.

“And for Taako,” Kravitz says, breaking him out of his own thoughts. Part of him feels honored that Julia considered him important enough to send him a message like this. Kravitz summons another piece of parchment, much shorter than the letter left for Magnus. “She passed on this note.

“‘Taako. Thank you for loving Magnus and for keeping out of too much trouble. You helped shape him into the man that I fell in love with, and I’m so thankful for that. I wish we had had the chance to meet, but I guess Istus had other plans. Whatever your futures may hold, please promise to keep an eye on Magnus. You and I both know he’s more than capable of taking care of himself, but sometimes he can be too selfless for his own good. Love him and cherish every day you two have left together. Again, thank you.’ Signed, Julia.”

When Kravitz holds out the parchment for him to take it, he handles it as delicately as he can, as if he’s afraid of it crumbling away in his grasp. He’s never felt so much gratitude for a person he’s never met. He feels shaken to his core, and he can only imagine how Magnus feels.

“As I said, this isn’t something that’s normally allowed, so, unfortunately, I won’t be able to pass along any more messages between the two of you, but I thought that this was the least I could do,” Kravitz says, and Magnus nods, holding the letter to his chest.

“Thank you,” he says quietly, tears still flowing freely.

Taako stands, no longer being able to hold himself back, and crosses to Magnus, wrapping his arms around him. He responds naturally, ducking his head into the crook of Taako’s neck. Taako threads his fingers into Magnus’s hair and just holds him. He holds him and doesn’t let go.

* * *

It takes Magnus time. Even with Julia’s blessing, he still struggles with a lingering sense of guilt. Taako is patient, though, because he remembers what it was like for him at the start of his and Magnus’s relationship. If Magnus was patient with him through that, Taako can be patient with him through this. 

They see each other frequently, more than any of the rest of the old crew. Lup and Barry pop by whenever they can between bounties, but considering they technically live with Taako, he figures they don’t really count. Merle comes around on occasion whenever he remembers to unmute his stone of farspeech long enough for them to get a call through. Davenport has set off sailing, exploring the seas of Faerun that he’s never gotten the chance to see. Taako hasn’t seen Lucretia in months and has little desire to make an effort to see her again, despite Magnus’s efforts to rekindle their friendship. The other’s may have forgiven her for what she’d done, but he’s moving at his own pace.

Carey and Killian’s wedding is the first time in ages that they’re all together in the same place again, and it’s the first time it really hits Taako that  _ this is it _ . This is their happy ending. A hundred years ago, if someone had told him that one day he’d end up here, happy and unafraid and surrounded by people who love him, he would have laughed in their face. Now, living that reality, it feels surreal. 

During the reception, they laugh, they cry, they dance, they have fun. Taako’s catering is delicious, and it feels amazing to cook for the people he loves with no fear of hurting them after years of paranoia. As the night winds down, Taako sits with Kravitz at their table. He watches the others dance and talk amongst themselves, a weary but content smile on his face. The song changes to a slow, sentimental tune, and then he spots Magnus approaching, his demeanor nervous but determined. He watches him curiously as he comes to a stop in front of him, and outstretches a hand.

“May I have this dance?” he asks, glancing at Kravitz cautiously as if to confirm that this is okay. Taako grins and looks back at Kravitz, who’s watching the both of them fondly.

“Go have fun,” he says, and Taako turns back to Magnus, taking his proffered hand.

“Ever the gentleman, huh,” he teases, rising to his feet and letting Magnus lead him to the dance floor. 

He rests his arms on Magnus’s shoulders and clasps his hands behind his head, and Magnus rests his hands on Taako’s hips. They sway gently in time with the music, and Taako can’t remember the last time he felt so at peace. He leans his forehead against Magnus’s, smiling at him in the soft lighting. Magnus smiles back gently, the lingering air of apprehension slowly slipping away with the music. They lock eyes, and gods, Taako had forgotten just how gorgeous his eyes were at this distance. They stare at each other, transfixed, as the song comes to an end, but they no longer care about the music. Right now, it’s just the two of them. Taako feels like he can hardly breathe, eyes darting down to Magnus’s lips, but he waits, letting Magnus take charge of the moment.

And then, as he’s wont to do, Magnus rushes in.


End file.
